Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
