I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
