All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
