I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
