I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
