I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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