Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
