I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
