I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You are a genius and a whore.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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