OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
