omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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