I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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