He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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