I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
