thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
