Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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