i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..