you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.