These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
