Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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