God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
