Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
