a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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