I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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