hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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