did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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