I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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