Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
