If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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