i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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