I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
