I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
