I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
