how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
