it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
did you just send me my own nude
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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