Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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