This girl is more easily done than said...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
