I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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