I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
