Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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