How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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