Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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