I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
