Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
