I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
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I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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