Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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