This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
