a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
