The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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