I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
