I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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