We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
