My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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