So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
