how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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