forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
