My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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