Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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