Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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